My story

Well, first and foremost...I am a stay at home mom to 3 beautiful girls (ages 10,6, and 6 months). I have been married to my wonderful hubby for 11 yrs. and I am *ahem* 30 yrs old (that's still a little painful). I lead a pretty normal, boring life. That is me in a nutshell...on the surface. But there is a lot more that is hidden from the world. I spend most of my days putting on my happy face but deep down there is a woman full of insecurities, self-loathing, and pain. Another detail I forgot to mention...I am obese. Wow, just typing that hurts and starts the tears flowing.

Here is my story...

I spent the majority of my life what one would call "average weight". But I never had self esteem. I remember hating how I looked even then. At 16 and 140 pounds, I starved myself to try and lose weight. No one knew. My mom took me to the doctor because she thought I was sick but really I was just hurting. It lasted for a period of about 6 months. I got down to 115 but still didn't feel better about myself. Then I met my future husband at 17. He made me feel special and loved. I managed to pull myself out and started eating again. The next couple years were great. I didn't care as much about what I looked like because I felt loved and happy. We got married in 2000 at the age of 19. Two months later we found out we were expecting. We were quite surprised! Our first daughter was born October 2001. I had gained 65 pounds during the pregnancy. I guess I bought into the "eating for two" line. So now I had this beautiful baby girl but the old feelings crept in again. I was 20 years old, an overwhelmed first time mom, still a newlywed, and now overweight. I couldn't understand why the weight didn't just drop off. Everybody said "You're young, you'll lose it!" But I didn't. And over the next 3 yrs I gained even more. In 2005, we welcomed our 2nd baby girl. And also more weight. I gained about 30 lbs this time (not too bad) but I now weighed 230. I thought how did I get here. I don't want anyone to think for a second that I blame my weight on my children. That is not at all what I am saying. They are blessing and I love them dearly. I tried to diet many times. I would lose a few pounds, become discouraged, quit, eat, gain it back. It is such a viscious cycle for me. I want to lose the weight so bad but somehow those same emotions drive me to eat. I eventually hit 250.

In 2009, through a series of events, we learned that I have an underactive thyroid which could explain some of the weight problems. I was put on medication to regulate it. In 2010, they discovered high insulin levels and said I was "pre-diabetic". I take medicine for that as well. In 2011, we welcomed our 3rd daughter. I managed to lose some weight beforehand and during, so I was still 250. This time I lost about 15 lbs afterwards but then I became very depressed about my weight and started eating again. (Yes, I know that doesn't make sense) I reached my highest weight ever: 257 lbs. Not a number I am proud of. I vowed that it would not go any higher.

On January 9th, I started my diet. As you can see, I am just beginning this journey. I have started this blog mostly as a way to express myself and keep myself accountable. It doesn't matter to me if anybody else reads it. I am determined this time. I no longer want to spend every day hating myself. I want to show my daughters how to have a healthy self esteem and how to love yourself. I want to have more energy to play with my kids and to just live life. I also know that obesity can lead to many health problems, which have already started, and I want to be there to see my children grow up as well as my grandchildren. I can't fail this time. It's too important! I have already spent 1/3 of my life overweight. I don't want to spend another year, 5 years, 10 years or more this way. No excuses. The time is now.